Bullshit nonsense

The life of baby girl

Me likey

Flowers
Disney movies
Caesar salad wraps
Candles
Blunts
Candles
Tea, one sugar.
Candles
Flowers
Candles
And rain

How and why

The way I feel towards you is so complex. First always, I miss you. You were a great dad, when it came to being a friend. You were very good at listening to our problems and doing the best you could to solve them while being fair. You are funny, and good to talk to. You would play your guitar for me until I fell asleep, and you taught me how to sing. You were always very supportive of our extra curricular activities and tried to make it to all of our events. You were never really into going camping or anything, which we all really liked, but that always gave us the option of just chilling at the campsite instead of going for walks and other stuff kids aren’t interested in.
Next, I hate you. You suck so bad. I can’t believe you would betray us all, and just get up and leave, and make a mess while you’re at it. You made it sound like we should stay an extra night, relax, enjoy ourselves… Little did we know it would be the last relaxing night for years. Your son was in jail, you had another son who you essentially neglected in terms of a relationship, and a daughter who desperately needed an adult male role model. You packed up while we were away for the weekend. To avoid awkward goodbyes. Asshole. You’re such a dick. Even now, you’re still trying to defend your actions. You try to justify leaving by saying “I never planned on divorcing your mother.” Bull. Shit. I caught you on online dating sites, talking to women, in april… Months before you left, just two weeks shy from my birthday.
When I was about 13 I caught you on a chat room website, and he was under the “sex” category of chat. I asked you why? You told me you were talking to uncle Ed, and that not many people went into that chat room so it was the easiest way to talk to him. What a ridiculous lie. I forced myself to believe him but I definitely knew better.
I can’t even believe how much you talk about how great your life is now. Like, fuck you. Why didn’t you make changes for your family. Your children. I came out of your penis and you ran away from me, from all of us. Mom never did anything but love you and try to help you. Get off your high horse and admit what you did was wrong. Stop defending yourself saying you were “sick”. You’ve made me sick, dad. Mentally sick. You’ve some how managed to get me to blame myself and my brothers for you leaving us. Maybe if we did your chores for you, mom wouldn’t have to nag you and she’d just be happy. I would try and try my best to keep everything clean so that mom wouldn’t have to yell at you. What I didn’t realize though, is that mom wasn’t yelling about the dishes. She wasn’t yelling about the shoes in the way. Those were the things that set her off, and it’s what the yelling would always start with, but my brain somehow missed that she was yelling about you. You’re lazy, unreliable, flaky, socially awkward, rude, pretentious, and kind of creepy. You didn’t feed us properly and kept us on a solid diet of Kraft dinner and lasagna, and after we finished our 1-3 step meals you would leave everything out on the counter, “to soak”. It would usually end up being cleaned by me, the next day, at 7:30 in the morning. Procrastination at its finest. One of the most prominent things I’ve learned from you (alongside with dependence, aggression, laziness, and greed.)

Next, I love you. That’s the only reason I can feel the hate I do. If I didn’t feel strongly towards you I wouldn’t have a reason to feel strongly against you. You could have been great but instead you fucked around with all of us. I wish you could have been better, but with us. I wish you didn’t have to leave to change. I don’t know if I’ll ever really and truly forgive you.

Can’t take it

I’m so sick of everything being retarded. It always feels like there’s a knife in my chest because all of the sadness I keep on having to deal with. I don’t even feel like I have anyone to talk to about it anymore. My high school friends are all off to college or university, hell some of them are graduating this year and getting real jobs. Regardless they’re all always busy with either their families or their boyfriends. I can’t even talk about it to my boyfriend anymore because he’s heard it all so much before. I can’t keep
dropping all of my problems on him but there’s fucking no where else to go because I neglected all of my friendships for the past three years. I fucked myself. I can’t go to my family because they’re the root of the stress. None of them like to take a good hard look at themselves to realize that we’re stuck in a huge shitty rut, since 1994, when the last of us showed up.
I have so much stress all the time and I wish I could just work, so I could move out instead of having to go to school. Going to school means living with mom. Living with mom means living with Darrel. Fuck that guy man. He’s really good to my mom, most days, but there are times where he snaps at her and I can’t handle watching my mom get talked to like that. I know I totally do it, but I’m her family not just some dude. I know it doesn’t make it better that I’m her family, but it certainly makes it worse that he’s not.

It also really fucking sucks having to empty out my grandmas house. All of the memories, every sleepover, every dinner, every bed time prayer, all mentally examined and summed up and put In box. The boxes are all taped shut and packed onto a truck, and then all of a sudden the house is empty. Echoing every laugh, every smile, every tear, and every song, resonating off the 70’s style wooden panel walls. All the cabinets that don’t quite match the rest of the house were all built by my grandpa. He died in that house. My family legacy all happened at 755 Mulvey avenue. Even my grandmas parents owned it at one point. My brothers and I all said the same thing - I’m gonna buy it one day. - now its just a race to see who can convince the new owners to sell it to them.

It’s going to be my other grandpas 80th birthday on the 6th of may. He passed April 4th. Just as one grandparent slips into helplessness the one already in the midst of his end finally ends. His heart stopped from the struggle with pneumonia, after years of complete dementia. I had time to prepare for his passing but now I realize that without grandpa there is no tie between my dad and I. He knows this too. He burnt that bridge so long ago, I just had never realized how badly. I’m sick of trying to have a relationship with him because it won’t ever go anywhere. I’m so hurt by everything he did, and now he tries to blame his decision to move on me. Honestly everything is just very mentally wearing and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m so close to breaking down and I just always have to keep going and nothing can ever be easy. I’m sick of the drama and I’m sick of hurting and I just want everything to be happy but it hasn’t been for so long. I can’t even fake it anymore. Life sucks.

Boyfriend

So it’s been 6 months. I must say there is no better feeling than having someone who you can spend every waking minute with. You’re such an excellent addition to my every day. You have become my alone time and I couldn’t be happier about it. You’re right for me in all the ways that matter, and you’ve helped me grow so much as a person. I could never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.

Thank you for being so caring and understanding. You respond to my stupidity with love, and always know where I’m coming from. You help me be a better person, with encouragement and positive reenforcement when I don’t even believe in myself. You even did the impossible and helped me quit smoking.

You’re an incredible person, and I can’t wait to spend many more 6 months with you. Growing and changing alongside my wonderful little snuggly.

who are you?

Yeah I’m stoked that you have your first real job, and whatever, but that doesn’t mean you’re the master of the house. So what if you worked till 1, it’s fucking 12:30, I’m going to listen to music. I work every day, and have ever since I was 15. Fuck you and your selfishness.

Down but not out.

I’m really down on myself for not having graduated. I know it’s my own fault completely, but all I ever hear is how fucking easy it was. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to finish grade 12. I’ve never felt more stupid and useless in my life. I just want my fucking diploma so I can go to university, but then again i was such a fucking idiot when I was in grades 10 and 11 that I probably won’t even be able to get into university. So I’m stuck right? I have a year to go still, then I need to upgrade. Fuck you Katie of the past. You really fucked me over.

Wonderful

I’m enjoying my fathers day weekend with my daddy. We spent a day out on the town, I bought so many things I didn’t need, but now I have those things so they have become necessary to my life. Unfortunately that’s how it works right. Maybe I am a hoarder… Anyway, supper was freaking delicious, and I never realized how annoying I must have been when I was 13. It’s hard to handle but I know he won’t suck when he’s older. He’s just excited to see me I guess. I’m just having a nice weekend I guess, it’s weird to not see sam, because we spent 10 almost full days in a row, including sleep overs, before I left. Its interesting sleeping alone.

Incarceration

I should go to jail because I fucking raped and murdered that exam.

So this bruise

I don’t know where it came from, but it’s really bad.

I need to finish school

I have no desire to have him in my life. He may exercise his right to yell at his own kids, but he has absolutely no right to have input in my life or what I do or say. Any discussion between us should stay between us. He is not my father, I will not listen to a damn word he says. I don’t care if I swore at you, I swear at everyone. It does not give him a right to push his two fucking pennies on the table. The role of a parent is to discipline, the role of a parents boyfriend is to sit back and watch, and comfort aforementioned parent after said discussion/argument. Keep him out of my business or I’ll see to it myself,

HAHAHA

A litre of wine split between three 5”something girls, drank quickly in the alley behind the Toad. Followed by a quick, rowdy stumble to the Toad. Lost interest in the Toad. Stumbled on over to shoppers drug mart, purchased chips and cheese dip. DEVOURED SAID CHIPS AND CHEESE DIP. Drunken stumble back to Anna’s apartment. Receive box of tissues. Piss on wall. Still pissing on wall… Shit I really had to pee…

Receive king can.

Split king can.

Go separate ways and bus home.

Get home.

Forget getting home.

One great fucking night.